MONDAY MELTDOWN: Leaving Religion Helped Me Love Unconditionally

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On this weeks episode, we hear a story from fellow Loser David McPhail. He’s had a traumatic life and a trauma-filled religious experience. He feels as though Religion held him back from a genuine love for others. I so resonate with his findings.

Monday Meltdown is Our Weekly Chat with Each Other.

  • Ask Me Anything.
  • Inspiring thoughts for the Loser community.
  • Your thoughts and comments.
  • Our Meltdowns. (Rant, Vent, Yell, Swear!)


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Hi Zac,

So I got into the podcast a couple of weeks ago and haven’t been able to turn it off since! I’ve been going through my own “losing religion” experience for a while now. Your show has been helpful in bringing perspective and understanding to my own experiences, and for that, thank you. It’s been helpful in fostering conversation with the people who struggle with the changes in my life. I’ve loved experiencing all of these people’s stories, many of which I can relate to. My parents were both heavily involved with a church in south King County that died in the 90s called Community Chapel. If you know anything about that church, you understand how fucked up my upbringing was. End times, spiritual warfare, the mark of the beast type shit. The church died due to something they started called “spiritual connections” that lead to infidelity all over the place. I saw plenty of my friend's families, as well as my own,  ravaged and torn apart by these “connections”. Did this keep me away from the church, Unfortunately, no.

I later attended River of Life Fellowship in Kent(very similar church to CFC) and later NewLife in Renton after I graduated high school. Throughout high school and my early 20s, I lived this awkward double life. There was church approved me, then sex, alcohol, cheating, lying, etc me. Thanks to emotional repression from my parents and the church, I was still able to sleep at night so long as I participated in weekly “alter calls”.

Eventually, I ended up interning at a church in Tacoma, where I met my wife Ashley. I’m confused on how I convinced her to marry me, considering who I was. She believed in Jesus but didn’t grow up in church. She was a liberal, feminist and humans rights activist who believed same-sex marriage should be legal and wanted to personally fund planned parenthood. Here I was, a conservative Christian who had spent my life drinking the cool-aid of Glen Beck, Rick Joyner and men like Casey Treat. I certainly fueled enough arguments our first years with my bigotry and blindness.

While being married to her and meeting people like her, I became aware of just how fucked up I was. The more I realized how fucked up I was, the less I wanted to have anything to do with the church, but was having a hard time letting go of my contrived upbringing and was terrified of hell.

It was our children that actually caused my completed meltdown of all of my religious beliefs. The Sunday we had our second child dedicated, I was sitting in service and couldn’t stop thinking about how much I love them. The love I hold for them is just incomparable to anything else I’ve ever felt. It all of a sudden hit me like a ton of bricks right to the balls.

The Bible models gods love for humanity like that of a father/child relationship. Comparing this model to my life and how I love my children, either god isn’t real, or the Bible is a lie. I feel like I’m having a fucking heart attack when my child so little as trips and falls! My heart breaks whenever my kids hurt! I’ve been through some rough stuff in my life, I have an abusive alcoholic mother who’s attempted suicide in front of me multiple times, a Dad who’s is more emotionally repressive and guilt causing than the Church.  I’ve seen my mom dragged out of our house kicking and screaming by both abusive boyfriends and by cops. Like, I’ve seen and felt some shit. And I can tell you that nothing, absolutely nothing I’ve been through hurts even half as bad as when I have to watch something a small as my kids endure the flu.

All that being said, I just can’t comprehend a God who has the audacity to call himself my father, ask me to serve him unconditionally, tell people about his love and then provide zero comforts in times of need. I understand I can’t protect my kids from everything, but I can tell you confidently that if my kid is hurting, there isn’t a damn thing on this earth that could keep me from getting to them and holding them. I can also confidently say that if God exists, he doesn’t feel that way about me. I’ve never felt that I served a god who would actually move heavens and earth to comfort me when I was broken and abused.

Having this revelation has just been so freeing. I actually feel like I can help and care for others without a shifty ulterior motive of “saving” or converting them. It brings a lot more meaning to my relationships now that there’s no underlying pressure of inviting them to church and guilt if I don’t ever mention Jesus. Removing religion helped me foster a true and genuine unconditional love for people. Well, all except Trump.

So yeah, life’s better now and only getting better. If this story can help at all with your podcast, please feel free to use it. The stories you share have helped me, if mine can help others, I’m all for it! But thank you again for doing what you're doing. Keep at it!



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Spiritually-motivated bioterrorism at Taco Time, 35 thousand year old Lemurian warrior gods in Yelm, LSD-fueled Queen Anne hippie cults, and much more.

By Seth Goodkind Tue., Jun 2 2015 at 08:55PM

Text & Art by Seth Goodkind

Text & Art by Seth Goodkind



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